November 30, 2012 at 12:13pm
Except the economic value does make me feel good.
I don’t do it to get more, cuz I already have. I don’t do it cuz I like making people feel shitty. I don’t do it cuz I like to steal.
I do it cuz I can’t help it
I do it cuz if I don’t, I’ll try to
I can’t not do it
It makes me feel like shit
But. I. Can’t. Help. It.
Lets go over a few things
This past weekend I saw my dad
I went to his football game and it made me remember how much I miss him.
Seeing him after the game and him introducing his players to me, made me miss being a part of his family..
Then seeing my mom follow me on instagram(which is still awkward) and I saw all the relatives on her side that she comes in contact with all the time..made me once again, REMEMBER that those aren’t my families.
Yea, I’m probably too old to be mopey about my childhood, but it never feels “better”
It still sucks that my dad has a family and my mom has a family and I’m nowhere involved with either one.
I’m 22, and I don’t know my parents birthdays or their favorite foods or their favorite anything.
Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful to my aunt and her family for raising me as their own, but then again, they have never really felt what it’s like to not have your own family
I always feel so annoying when I even think about this(which is why no one ever hears it) cuz I have it ok
I at least had a family who raised me
I have a family who loves me
So I feel selfish and ungrateful for feeling indifferent.
It kills knowing I never had “parents”
I always had my aunt.
Maybe I’m just all up in my emotions right now, but I think the reason I want a kid so bad and to skip all this 20 something insecurity bullshit is so I can finally have a family and BE the mom I never had to my kid
And subconsciously(but not really) live through my child cuz my childhood was so shitty for me..
I’m no psychologist but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s gonna happen.
I hate feelings
It’s Tuesday right…
I found a knife
A really good one
In my drawer
From a long time ago…from the “dark ages” lol
I picked it up and it brought back all those really weird feelings…not the depressed ones..the feelings after the cuts..when the blood slowly rises to the top of my skin and starts to roll down whatever piece of skin I just mutilated..
I remembered the emotions I felt…watching my skin peel open
It was a good feeling
After the cuts I felt good
Now…the only reason I wanna cut is to see that again..and feel that again..
I’m not upset.
I not masking my emotions…
I’ve just got a really weird obsession with blood…with my own blood..with others’ blood..
With the art of slicing skin to see blood..
With the pain after the blood stops flowing..that..itchy, stinging burning sensation..it feels good
So now…I’m gonna draw on my leg with this knife for a second
Just to get my fill.
Then ill hide the knife in another spot, maybe to stumble upon it like I did today..and feel all the same emotions I’m feelin right now.
idk if it’s just me…just cuz i’m reckless…
but everytime i have sex, even if i use a condom(which most times i don’t..i know)
i get worried i’m gonna get pregnant.
this time, i’m not worried..but i still think i’m gonna be preggers.
i mean, it’s a solid worry, cuz not using a condom, and not being on birth control..the pull out method can only work so many times right? lol
i don’t wanna have a baby right now, cuz i don’t wanna be one of those moms.
the mom who has her kid when she’s not ready and struggles every single day of her life to make sure this kid doesn’t struggle…
or shit, just to make sure we have food.
baby shit is way more expensive than 21 year old shit.
and the doode who would be the dad…is somewhere in the navy right now lol
i have no idea where he is and i won’t know until he comes back in..what 5 months? :/
i don’t have any “preggo” symptoms..to be all paranoid…i just haven’t had my period..but that’s not abnormal either cuz that shit never comes on time anyways.
i guess i’ll just get a test.
April 16, 2012 at 4:50pm
had a mental breakdown today..no biggie.
i called in to work that i was gonna be late..
and i got there…and just couldn’t go in.
i’m so tired….i’m so tired of being bored, and miserable.
just to satisfy everyone else…
i left, and i think i’m gonna call my manager tomorrow and quit..
i get paid friday, and i think when i get paid, i’m going to leave…
no specific place…just leave..
i’m going to wander…until i can’t wander any longer..
that’s what i want.
that’s my thing..i don’t want a job..i don’t really want money..i want to wander.
i wanna get lost..and find my way back..
i want to do it with someone, but i think i’ll have to start out alone.
i want to end up on a train going somewhere through wyoming or something.
i’m tired of just saying i want to do it..
i wanna finally do it.
it feels good just talking about it..
actually doing it is going to be a big deal..
but i think i’m ready.
March 14, 2012 at 9:41am
I wasnt even ready..
I was nowhere near prepared to see that. Lol you were hidden sooooooo far back in my mind that I almost started to forget lol fuck.
I was with my best friend and a bro.
I looked down, saw your fucking name in a Skype message, and just saw the message…I hadnt even noticed you called…I read the message an practically hyperventilated.„ I don’t know what the shit happened, but I definitely couldnt breathe for about 18 seconds. Lol
Then I calmed down.
But that’s not fair…I don’t think that’s part of the rules…there were rules right?
October 19, 2011 at 3:26am
do i even really want to smoke?
it’s been about a month since weed has been in my system.
and if i smoke, it’s not gonna be because i’ve truly missed it.
if i smoke..it’ll be because i kind of need to.
it’s like normal people goin out to a bar and havin a drink to take the edge off.
except in my case, it’s like me smokin a bowl because i’m in pain.
i hit a reeeally low point over the past month.
and i’ve kind of crawled out of it….and none of it involved weed.
i didn’t need it to help me get out….i miss it, for the healing.
but not for the avoidance of “real life”
but, honestly, i never really smoked to avoid anything…..well..i would be lying if i said i didn’t ALL the time.
most of the time it was to take away a pain, or thoughts..or possibly actions.
i smoked because of my illness.
my…(what some would call major) minor illness.
i won’t go into too much detail as to what that illness entails..but weed definitely cures most of the symptoms…that’s why i smoke.
it started out as a hobby..but drastically changed its role in my life.
and i’m glad…i’ve functioned way better after being introduced to it…for the best.
my family doesn’t understand, and i don’t expect them to; they don’t know about my illness..and i may tell them one day, i may not..either way..i will continue to use marijuana as my treatment, rather than the medicine my doctors have prescribed.
shit, even my doctor agrees that marijuana is helpful..she just can’t tell me to do it..but she isn’t tellin me NOT to do it lol
anywho…i don’t miss weed..i miss not being in pain
i miss having semi normal thoughts.
i miss reading.
i miss sleeping.
i miss…..i miss being okay.
that’s the only reason i want to smoke so bad.
October 2, 2011 at 3:31am
soo..the boy who stood me up for prom..
(no he will never NOT have that title)
it’s cute..cuz he really likes me.
and i love em..
but….i don’t think i’m attracted to him as much as he’s attracted to me.
but i’ll give it a shot, cuz i’m always the one on that side and it really sucks.
i mean..everyone deserves a second chance right?
September 27, 2011 at 1:56am
i just want something that can take the depressing thoughts away.
something that can help me sleep at night.
something that doesn’t make me feel like a total bitch about crying so much.
something that makes me feel good.
something that i can rely on.
something i can be totally comfortable with..like it’s not “extra”
someone who won’t laugh at me when i tell them my dreams.
someone who won’t make me think those depressing thoughts.
someone who wants to help me.
someone who won’t hate me after 2 months.
someone who wants me to succeed…and not by everyone else’s standards.
and i don’t mean a significant other…just someone i can have around.
someone who wants to be around.
want need someone to save me.
anybody will do.
i’m seriously so fucking tired.
tired of loving too much.
tired of crying too much.
tired of trying to make everyone happy.
tired of waking up.
tired of feeling trapped.
tired of doing nothing with my life.
tired of wasting my time.
tired of people i don’t want to be around.
tired of feeling way too close to people i’m nowhere near.
i’m just fucking tired.
sooooooo fucking tired, bro.
I feel like I’ve grown apart from a lot of people. I’ve changed a lot. I don’t know if that makes me an asshole, a bad friend, or what have you, but I can’t find it in me to really stress it. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself this past year and that’s probably the reason for the lack of friendships. For a long time, I always put everyone first. I cared about disappointing my friends so much that I would literally stress myself if they were mad at me. I don’t anymore. Maybe I don’t care anymore or maybe I’m too wrapped up in getting my life together.
is it weird that i feel EXACTLY the same?…..is that what old people call..”growing up”….idk..but it’s a weird feeling
I wish you cared about me the way I care about you. However, I know you’re a selfish bitch and some how you care about those who shit on you the most. It’s like you enjoy getting treated like shit. The nicer I am to you, the less you seem to care about our friendship.
I question my love for you every day. God knows you don’t deserve it.
me and my big little sister.
[about 4 years ago at her graduation]
this actually makes me think of good times..i spent about a month of my senior summer(not that that means anything to someone like me) with my mom+family…at the time i was kind of dreading it, but now, looking back on it, i loved it…i love my mom so much..and my big sister, well..let’s just say if we were raised together we’d be partners in crime…everyone is always talking about how bad of an attitude she has, and how mean she is and all this..and i’m totes aware of her bad attitude, but when we’re together, she doesn’t have a bad attitude with me..it’s like we’re kids again..she hates when i kiss/hug her, but i love doing it for that reason..she is my favorite person when she’s standing next to me…we’ve both gone through alot, and i don’t know her too well, nor does she, me..but i love her with every bone in my body..she was my main homie when we were kids..i wish i could say she was my best friend, cuz i really want her to be..i’m like an only child..with siblings.and it sucks.
i wish i could have grown up with her..
plus, me and her both have weird ass names:
August 2, 2011 at 1:16am
fuck it, i’m tired of it.
i’m gonna start working out.
and i’ll make my own consequences for if i stop.
i’m not ashamed of being big..
but, i hate my body.
I HATE IT…if i hate it..imagine what other people think of it.
it’s a shame, cuz i weigh more than people i shouldn’t weigh more than.
grant it, i’m tall and i don’t look like i weigh this much, but the fact is, I DO.
i’m gonna get back to where i was when i first came home.
plus, who wants a fat girlfriend?